Like it or not, most of us are going to endure a dud date during our Grindr escapades. So comedian Dom Top took some time out of his busy schedule of pestering men for pics and re-telling jokes stolen from Will & Grace to put together tenways to GTFO of there.
Disclaimer: Not Dom Top, not Grindr, nor anybody else endorses the use of these methods, or do they vouch for their legality or efficacy. Except that last one. You’ll see what we mean.
If you’ve ever seen the seminal piece of cinema that is Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion (and you SHOULD have), you’ll remember thh2at Mira Sorvino’s Romy comes up with the perfect excuse to 86 a bad date. Upon learning that her gentleman caller is a suit salesman, Romy declares that she has sliced her foot open and her toes are now swimming in a pump’s worth of sangre. Then she hobbles away dragging her leg for authenticity, leaving Men’s Wearhouse far behind her. It’s hard to argue with a performance THAT committed.
#2: Start a Small Fire
Now let’s be clear, a SMALL fire. Like a napkin or a floral arrangement on the table. Easily started with a tealight candle and put out with a dishrag. You just need something disruptive enough to distract the dud while you bolt for the door. If you’re lacking anything flammable, a viable alternative is to discharge a fire extinguisher. It should provide a big enough cloud of foam to obscure your exit á la every cartoon villain ever.
#3: Start Stanning for Your Diva
This can go two ways. Either your not-so-great date will be bored stiff by your fanatical ramblings about Madonna’s “Bedtime Stories Tour” or Britney’s scrapped David LaChapelle video and peace-out of the date himself. OR he could geek out and start collectively stanning with you, in which case you may have just found your soulmate. Or at least someone to practice dance routines with. It’s a win-win!
#4: Sing. Right. At. Him.
This may not work in a karaoke bar. But if your first date is at a karaoke bar, you’ve got problems already. Hopefully, pushing your mug right up against his and warbling “The Rainbow Connection” is likely to cut a slow night delightfully short. Unless, of course, you are an undiscovered siren/chanteuse, in which case you might steal his heart. From what we understand, that seemed to work for Emma Stone in La La Land.
#5: Toilet Talk
Generally speaking, emerging from the bathroom and announcing the size, shape, and consistency of whatever you produced in there is considered a dating faux-pas. However in some cases it might bring you closer together. If that’s the case, good for you both! No kink-shaming here, everybody’s got their something. I guess.
#6: Get on Grindr
Not feeling the date? Log in to the world’s greatest gay social app and find yourself another, right there and then. #shamelessselfpromotion
#7: Text Them
Make a humiliating phone fuck-up work for you. We’ve all sent the wrong text to someone, from telling your best friend that you just waxed your ass to informing your parents that you hooked up in a club bathroom. So why not twist it to your advantage? Simply sending something along the lines of “Have you disposed of the body?” followed by “SORRY WRONG PERSON” should get you out of there pretty swiftly. Even if it does mean being hauled in for questioning after.
#8: Kill aRelative
FIGURATIVELY. A death in the family is a time-honored and almost irrefutable excuse for worming your way out of undesirable situations. Just remember who you killed the next time you bump into your dud at the mini-mart. ProTip: the best uses of this lie usually involve an already-deceased person. See, they did die just not… recently.
#9: Drink Everything (responsibly)
Sometimes the only solution is to order up two bottles of wine and just suck ‘em down. Then do some shots. Then drink the mouthwash offered to you by the bathroomattendant. Either your date will become infinitely more appealing post-Pinot binge or he’ll be so appalled at your hot-mess-sloppy-drunk shenanigans that he’ll retreat. Just don’t forget to order yourself an Uber home first.
#10: Be Honest
Okay, so, maybe this one isn’t quite as dramatic (and we know some of you just LIVE for the drama) but it’s probably the best option. If you don’t feel the spark, it’s likely that he doesn’t feel it either. Even if he does, better you don’t waste any more of his time, right? He’s looking for the right guy just like you are. Who knows? Maybe you’ll bond over that. Without the stress of searching for a romantic or sexual connection, you might just make a new friend. Still, even if you don’t at least you can have a drink, head home with your head held high and know that your conscience is clear. Tomorrow you can hop back on Grindr and find another date, right?